Archive for the ‘inside moment’ Category

all ignorance toboggans into know
and trudges up to ignorance again:
but winter’s not forever,even snow
melts;and if spring should spoil the game,what then?

all history’s a winter sport or three:
but were it five,i’d still insist that all
history is too small for even me;
for me and you,exceedingly too small.

Swoop(shrill collective myth)into thy grave
merely to toil the scale to shrillerness
per every madge and mabel dick and dave
–tomorrow is our permanent address

and there they’ll scarecely find us(if they do,
we’ll move away still further:into now

by e.e. cummings

I discovered e.e. cummings in high school, just when I was bubbling up with angsty ridiculousness and writing my own (bad) poetry. I wrote a term paper on him and his poems and learned a ton, and never stopped enjoying his work. The typographical experiments, the use of dialect in his poems — it was all really exciting and new to me and really struck a chord, apparently.

I own at least four volumes of his work but haven’t read them in a long time, and when the Silent Poetry Reading came up again I went looking for this one poem of his that of course has no title and of which I only remember half a line. Awesome. Naturally, I couldn’t find the poem I was looking for, so I went through one of the volumes (that a friend in high school gave me as a birthday gift) in search of something to add to this event. There are so many great poems of his that I love and had forgotten, and re-reading them put me in a bit of a pickle: which one do I choose? Humanity i love you, and “next to god of course america i are brilliant, but I didn’t want to put a bunch of grumble up today. This poem feels like this moment to me, and there you have it. I hope you enjoy the Silent Poetry Reading happening all over blogs near you.

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I have been terrified of failing.

This is a topic I’ve been trying to write about for 3 months, but can’t. I’ve been sitting here trying to write about it and have gotten a stomach ache, and have constantly stopped typing, and have erased what I’ve written four times in 20 minutes.

I have been terrified of doing new things, because what if I do it wrong?

Maybe it’s because I have some perfectionist qualities (obviously not when it comes to cleaning my house, but you know, in other ways) that I’ve been scared of doing whatever it is wrong. I’ve done so many things in my life the ‘right’ way and have been fairly successful, that I don’t want to break my streak? or I don’t want to be inconsistent? I don’t know why.

I’ve been totally afraid of failure.

(Every time I type that, my stomach ache gets better.)

For a while now I’ve been in a bit of a stagnant place, working at an okay job, not following up on the education for the dream job which may or may not be as lucrative or stable. And I’ve been putting off going to the gym and not really keeping myself in shape. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t hack it? What if it turns out to be awful? What if I don’t lose the weight? What if I FAIL at what I’ve tried and have to face it?

Recently I’ve had enough of my bullshit and decided to just goddamn face it and dive in and deal with it because oh my god, not doing it is killing me. A friend and co-worker invited me to come with her to the YMCA in the mornings to workout before work, and what do you know, I have found my workout time. I freaking LOVE getting up at 6:15 to go to the gym and run a mile-and-a-half before work. I have more energy (except for today when I took two 2-hour naps), my pants fit better, and I feel like I’m fighting against my genetics (my grandma, who died last year, was very very large). My goal is to, at my next annual exam, either weigh the same as or less than what I weighed at my last annual exam (my weight has gone up for the last three — or more? — years).

Something else I decided — on Wednesday — to do is to actually pursue the education and training I need for my dream job. The ultimate dream job is to be a midwife, and one of the paths to get there is to take the step I’m taking now to be a birth doula. I have dithered about this for four years (FOUR YEARS! What is my freaking problem?!), hearing things like “Sometimes you have to give up what you want for what’s best [more lucrative and stable].” Hearing that really enabled me to put my goals aside and just work in the job I had, and not go after this. And that sucked, because I heard it from a person who I thought would support my decisions wholeheartedly. It took me two years after that to get to this point now, where I’m starting the certification process.

I feel so joyful about both these steps in my life, and I’m trying to keep my eyes open for those times when I’ll feel like I’m failing and want to abandon the whole thing. Plus now that I’ve written it on the internet, I’ll be less likely to stop working toward my goals. Right? I hope.

This post is a little disjointed and wierd, but I’m not going to rewrite it just because it’s not perfect. HA! I’m learning already.

(My stomach ache is gone now.)

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For the last forty-five minutes I’ve been tooling around on my blog, adding new bits to the sidebar, cleaning it up, and trying to find a way to say what I was thinking.

Part of the problem was that I couldn’t figure it out until just now — I’m content. Things are going pretty well in my life, and I’m pleased with it. Oh, there are definite ways to improve it, and I do want to pursue a forward path, but I am not uneasy where I am.

This isn’t my usual state — I’ve always been thinking of what comes next, what’s better than this and how do I get there, let’s pretend I’m 7 instead of 5 (I actually said this to my Mom once). Always moving ahead of myself, or feeling stuck and unhappy where I was. Not now, though.


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