Archive for the ‘nothing to do with anything’ Category

I have been terrified of failing.

This is a topic I’ve been trying to write about for 3 months, but can’t. I’ve been sitting here trying to write about it and have gotten a stomach ache, and have constantly stopped typing, and have erased what I’ve written four times in 20 minutes.

I have been terrified of doing new things, because what if I do it wrong?

Maybe it’s because I have some perfectionist qualities (obviously not when it comes to cleaning my house, but you know, in other ways) that I’ve been scared of doing whatever it is wrong. I’ve done so many things in my life the ‘right’ way and have been fairly successful, that I don’t want to break my streak? or I don’t want to be inconsistent? I don’t know why.

I’ve been totally afraid of failure.

(Every time I type that, my stomach ache gets better.)

For a while now I’ve been in a bit of a stagnant place, working at an okay job, not following up on the education for the dream job which may or may not be as lucrative or stable. And I’ve been putting off going to the gym and not really keeping myself in shape. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t hack it? What if it turns out to be awful? What if I don’t lose the weight? What if I FAIL at what I’ve tried and have to face it?

Recently I’ve had enough of my bullshit and decided to just goddamn face it and dive in and deal with it because oh my god, not doing it is killing me. A friend and co-worker invited me to come with her to the YMCA in the mornings to workout before work, and what do you know, I have found my workout time. I freaking LOVE getting up at 6:15 to go to the gym and run a mile-and-a-half before work. I have more energy (except for today when I took two 2-hour naps), my pants fit better, and I feel like I’m fighting against my genetics (my grandma, who died last year, was very very large). My goal is to, at my next annual exam, either weigh the same as or less than what I weighed at my last annual exam (my weight has gone up for the last three — or more? — years).

Something else I decided — on Wednesday — to do is to actually pursue the education and training I need for my dream job. The ultimate dream job is to be a midwife, and one of the paths to get there is to take the step I’m taking now to be a birth doula. I have dithered about this for four years (FOUR YEARS! What is my freaking problem?!), hearing things like “Sometimes you have to give up what you want for what’s best [more lucrative and stable].” Hearing that really enabled me to put my goals aside and just work in the job I had, and not go after this. And that sucked, because I heard it from a person who I thought would support my decisions wholeheartedly. It took me two years after that to get to this point now, where I’m starting the certification process.

I feel so joyful about both these steps in my life, and I’m trying to keep my eyes open for those times when I’ll feel like I’m failing and want to abandon the whole thing. Plus now that I’ve written it on the internet, I’ll be less likely to stop working toward my goals. Right? I hope.

This post is a little disjointed and wierd, but I’m not going to rewrite it just because it’s not perfect. HA! I’m learning already.

(My stomach ache is gone now.)

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front runner

brown and yellow

Ragged Monarch

Shadow Swordfight

Lemon Ice

Suspicious squirrel
With apologies to anyone whose fleece has been pilfered by a squirrel.

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I loved my Labor Day weekend, visiting friends who are newly returned to the Midwest and who live nearby.

I don’t love being covered in mosquito bites.

When it rains as much as it has, it floods. When it floods, you get lots of puddles and marshy bits of standing water. When you have standing water, you have the mosquito equivalent of baby-making music. When those mosquitos get their spawn on, you have swarms and swarms of new huge mutant mosquitos. And when those fuckers get out, you have very annoyed and itchy people.

I do have more to talk about, including my first foray into the world of canning food, but I’m too busy scratching my arms, shoulders, neck, ears (what the damn hell?), forehead, legs, ankles, feet and toes to formulate an actual post today. I hope everyone had a great weekend and is not as itchy as I am right now.

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I’m hard at work on my Bonus Stitches Goal (more on that later), so I give you a lolcat quiz to distract you from my lack of content. Heather, you are required to take this quiz. Anyone else can choose to play or not. But tell me in the comments what manner of lolcat you are.

Your Score: Lion Warning Cat

81% Affectionate, 63% Excitable, 28% Hungry

You are the good Samaritan of the lolcat world. Protecting others from danger by shouting observations and guidance in cases of imminent threat, you believe in the well-being of everyone.

To see all possible results, checka dis.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test written by GumOtaku on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Found on Stumbling Over Chaos.

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Don’t knit the fiddly bits of your tank top while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That part where it says “k21, attach second ball of yarn, BO 32, k to end”? This qualifies as fiddly, and if you get caught up in the emotion of the episode where Oz leaves Willow after being a total dog (Ha!), you will forget to attach the second ball of yarn.

Emails with the subject “Pox and gleet vendor” are rarely from someone with honest intentions.

When meeting your girlfriends for Knit in Public Day at the local park, wear some sunscreen or a hat so that you do not become painfully sunburned and add a new kind of cancer to your family’s already growing list.

When helping your mom out by doing some weeding, don’t assume that the lone shrub-like plant among the iris plants is an anomaly and does not belong. It does. Now you owe your mom a serviceberry bush. Whatever that is.

NASCAR cars get 4.2 miles to the gallon. Four point two. I hate NASCAR.

It is amazing fun to be able to drink wine while on the clock at work.

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Dude, go here.

And know that though I am not posting about knitting (again), I have a doctor’s note to hide behind. I’ve been told to lay off the knitting for a little while, because it’s screwing with my wrists, shoulders, neck, the state of the spotted owl, and the weather.

Apparently knitting is that powerful. (Although I suspect my physical issues have more to do with my sitting in front of a computer for 40 hours a week, it’s difficult right now to say I can’t work, and easier to set aside the non-income part of my daily life. If “easier” means “more financially sound,” and it does right now.)

So please, bear with me as I post very little about yarn and the looping of it over the next few days. I hope to get back to it soon. Before I really start getting cranky.

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My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Countess-Palatine Katherine the Complex of Yockenthwait Walden
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

(unabashedly stolen from Kate)

Today’s post brought to you by the blogging trifecta of Laziness, Nothing Interesting On the Needles, and The Wretched Time Change.

I know the time change was on Sunday (ages ago in blog years), but it’s still screwing with me. The later nights this early in the year … it’s nice, but it’s making me a little nutty. The light in the sky says it’s early, but the clock says it’s late. I’m already not-very-punctual, and this isn’t helping.

The weather is lovely, though. Apparently it’s 69 degrees F right now. March 13th, everyone, and we’re pushing 70 degrees. Of course, it will return to its usual weather devilry this weekend when we have a high of 35 on Saturday.

I am really just defining the word “lame” here aren’t I? I’m using my blog to talk about the weather. Ugh.

I really should get something interesting on the needles. Right now it’s all garter stitch, working up that bag. Doesn’t make for spectacular blog fodder the way home renovation, or a cute FO, or a stunning shawl, or a new job, or a baby (which can arguably be called a “cute FO” as well) all make for spectacular blog fodder. As I have no home to renovate, no fabulous job offers, and no immediate plans to reproduce, I guess I’ll have to get on the knitting and finish the bag.

Was I also going to talk about Laziness? Meh…

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